I am leading a read-through of The Ethical Slut, 2nd edition. If you’d like to catch up on past installments, check the list at the bottom of the series introduction. Comments on the topics in this discussion are welcome anytime, even from people who aren’t following along in the book.
This week, the read-along continues with a discussion based on Chapter 20, “The Ebb and Flow of Relationships.”
“Forever.” It’s a myth which pervades our culture — especially the idea that we might find a single person so perfect for us that we’d live with them “happily ever after.” Of course, this leads to a very skewed concept of what makes a successful relationship, i.e. that a relationship is a failure unless it ends when one of the members dies instead of when they break up. Realistically though, all things come to an end and many of them do so more cleanly and with less stress when we acknowledge that openly — with conscious choices and open communication — instead of fighting against it.
The Ethical Slut, Second Edition by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
“When a traditional marriage breaks up, nobody takes that as evidence that monogamy doesn’t work — so why do people feel compelled to take a slut’s breakup as evidence that free love is impossible?” — from The Ethical Slut, Second Edition
This chapter of The Ethical Slut, 2nd edition is about breaking up and polyamory. This combination — the end of relationships and a nontraditional choice about how to practice those relationships — seems to really get people’s attention and draw their blame. Close-minded, older relationship columnists smugly state “we tried that in the sixties” as if such a blanket assessment of failure is possible or merited, even if hippie relationships now over four decades gone have any bearing on the ones we’re forming in the present.
This chapter does not elaborate on any of the ways polyamorous relationships and their breakups might differ from monogamous ones. These differences can be significant — for example, if a person is in one relationship in the throes of NRE (New Relationship Energy) while their other is undergoing difficulties, they might be more tempted to abandon the relationship having difficulties. These differences are not value judgments though — all relationship styles present their own challenges, but acknowledging them does not automatically make that style of relationship flawed.
Though The Ethical Slut doesn’t address it, I think the ‘sunk cost fallacy’ is worth considering when it comes to relationships. David McRaney wrote about the Sunk Cost Fallacy and Farmville, but the lessons from silly (but profitable) farming simulators can apply in our lives. The core of this fallacy is that humans place too much weight in past investment. Even when it is clear that there is no longer any possible profit, or when a relationship is causing nothing but pain, we try to prolong it anyway out of deference to the past. In my life when it became clear that my relationship of almost 5 years was growing destructive to everyone involved, we all fought to keep it sometimes simply because we’d already been doing it for so long and we were afraid of what might come after.
Some relationships end with a lot of passion and fury, but as always Hardy and Easton recommend making conscious choices and using open, blame-free communication wherever possible. The decision to end a relationship ultimately lies with the participants, of course. Whether polyamorous or monogamous, participants can choose to ignore outside temptations and continue to work on a troubled relationship, or they can decide it is time to bring things to an end. When that time does come, the authors urge us to try to do so as ethically as possible and to handle issues like shared friends with maturity.
Few breakups occur without difficult emotions, but they are easier to handle with open communication and conscious choices. Photo by Eric Allix Rogers.
This week I spent some time talking to the host of a sex party, and she told me how when she broke up with the party’s cofounder they agreed, like reasonable adults, that she’d be better off continuing ‘custody’ of the social event. These kinds of issues can end in such a way that everyone can feel as good as possible about the outcome. Though sometimes everyone involved will decide it is time to end it at the same time, a “good” breakup does not mean that everyone is equally happy that the relationship is over. Rather, it means that they have all acknowledged that it must end, whatever their individual desires, and have agreed to bring about that ending with the least grief possible.
I recently broke up with a member of my polyfamily — not Honey J or Pet but another I had mentioned here before. It was an interesting situation because we had both seen the end coming; after a year together certain aspects of our relationship had never connected in the ways we wanted. While I did not want to hasten that ending before its time, she had become emotionally attached to a couple who wanted polyfidelity — a group relationship without outside partners. Though the circumstances were not ideal — it happened over the phone after a stressful week — when we both acknowledged that the relationship was holding her back from something she felt she needed to explore, we both had to recognize, in an amicable way, that it was time to call it quits.
The Ethical Slut points out that wonderful friendships can form after a break up. When one relationship ends, a new one can form. While many people today pride themselves on remaining friends with their ex-partners, it is important to note — as the book does — that a break where people are relatively distant is often necessary. It has been great to see my friend Gyesika Safety form a warm platonic friendship with the man she calls her “Wasband,” but this only became possible after many months of avoiding each other while the hurt faded and healed.
Tell us about one of your breakups — do you have breakups which you look back on now and realize you could have handled better? Share some of your hindsight. Or tell us the story of a breakup that was “good” — handled with maturity, open communication, and a minimum of blame.
In our next installment we’ll look at Chapter 21, “Sex and Pleasure,” which is about embracing sexual ecstasy in sluttiest ways possible. If you’re interested in guest blogging about polyamory and sex, please get in touch!
Comments (8)
What about the idea that some poly configurations might make people less likely to break up than if they were monogamous? There’s less of an opportunity cost to staying in a fading poly relationship. If you’re monogamous, that’s *it*, that’s all you get, so if things aren’t ideal or you’re not fully happy anymore, there’s a strong motivation to give yourself the opportunity for something better. But in a “network” setting (not a closed group), you can have other relationships separate from the troubled one, so there’s not necessarily any pressure to cut things off. Have you found that this happens with any frequency?
@burgundy: This is a tricky situation — because on the one hand you have bad situations of the kind snarkily referred to as ‘relationship broken, add new people.’ This is where a very unstable or drama-filled relationship figures fresh blood will somehow fix everything. That happens all too frequently.
But a healthy network can provide some added stability, I agree — if, for example, one partner desires to explore kink and the other is steadfastly vanilla, I think an open and understanding relationship can provide a good outlet for this and I have seen it happen. This can be true of all kinds of things — and also if one relationship is undergoing tension, having other people to go to who will provide sexual release, intimacy, and some closeness without the issues hanging over the other relationship is a real relief. When you return to the ongoing issues they can be a lot easier to handle.
Great comment, thanks :)
Being poly means I can break up with someone because we’re not good for each other, instead of staying with them because the sex is fantastic– until the fights are so bad that the sex isn’t worth it anymore.
I just learned this lesson recently, too. The breakup before the last one left some scorched earth; the last one hurt, but started feeling better immediately. Maybe I’m just growing up, who knows.
I’ve read the book… Bc my wife has had two affairs that I know of.. I discovered her CURRENT affair in April and now she wants to be poly… After I discovered the term in the ethical slut.. I’ve been reading a lot and trying to learn… I’m NOT opposed to “becoming poly”.. please forgive my novice vocabulary… BUT I’m having a VERY DIFFICULT time of it bc she’s still with her lover that she began the affair with–cheating, as most people call it.. BETRAYED. so I really can’t stand this guy– OR the fact that she LOVES him so much, that she was risking her marriage and family (2 children) to
Pursue him.. She started it thinking I would leave her if I found out… as most affairs in a monogamous relationship operate… But since I told her I wouldn’t leave her bc I don’t want to hurt our kids… And I’ve agreed to LEARN about polyamory etc… she won’t end her relationship (AFFAIR) with the other man. I HURT to the core by her actions and her refusal to end it with him. I’ve told her I’d be completely open to being a poly couple… But just NOT with him– as he represents pure betrayal and dishonesty.. I have NO idea what to do!? I think I need to leave, but the fears involved in that action prevent me from taking the necessary steps. But OUR relationship can never be the same… It MIGHT be better, but idk how long I can keep my sanity with me! I’m sorry, I must sound pathetic… But I’m reaching out to you in the hopes that you might have some helpful insights to share. If not, I thank you so much for your time! Ill keep reading your posts either way! ;-) Thanks again
@Corrvin: YES — having other sexual outlets is a genuine benefit of polyamory and I think the fact it means we are less likely stay with an idiot or jerk because they are good in bed is a very good thing. Thanks for the comment!
@Andy: Hi Andy! Thanks for reading and for your comment. Let me see what I can do to address it.
This is a really difficult topic. There’s a whole chapter in the second edition which covers this issue — opening up existing relationships. Very often it is in just the situation you are in — one lover has developed an attraction to someone else but doesn’t want to end their marriage or first relationship. For many people they have a pattern of dishonesty until they find the idea of open relationships which they then embrace — but what happens to the partner they have been with?
Andy, you are in a really tough position. The idea of polyamory might be very appealing to you, even, but can you get over the dishonest with which this situation was thrust upon you? Cheating as I am sure you realize, is not what this is about, so she began things in an unethical and dishonest way. This leaves you with the double problem of both having to heal your hurt over lying while simultaneously trying to learn about and adapt to a new lifestyle.
You are absolutely right, that the old relationship has ended and will never be the same. You can potentially build something new with your wife, but that is up to the two of you — and your own needs are very important here. I do not personally believe that ‘staying for the kids’ teaches good relationships to them for when they grow up. Of course I can’t tell you what to do — many relationships do end at this point, whether or not the individual participants go on to polyamory in future relationships. Whatever happens I hope your wife continues to practice honesty from here on out — it does show a sign she wants to keep things together too.
I would see if you can find a poly-friendly couples counselor in your area who can help you figure out your options and what needs to happen going forward. I hope this helps.
I’m a big fan of owning one’s shit and not taking on other people’s stuff and a big part of why I have a “wasband” vs. an “ex” is that 1) We *both* wanted to get to a point of friendship (i.e. you can’t force it or someone else)and 2) On my end, I recognized early that we *both* contributed to the problems in the relationship. I never took the road of “all men are assholes” (a statement that is a pet peeve of mine) or “my ex is a jerk”.
A big reason why was self-reflective: if my ex is a jerk, then what does that say about the person who chose him and stayed with him for all those years? (This is not applicable in cases of abuse, even of trust, aka lying and cheating.)
The thing I learned from my marriage is that life is too short to not pursue happiness and safety and security is an illusion. Now I have a wonderful partner and wonderful former partner. Much better than being stuck in a relationship that doesn’t work.
I’ll end with this: my current partner does occasionally find my friendship with the wasband a little odd but I pointed out that if we end our relationship, he has that kind of relationship to look forward to, depending on circumstances.
@Gyesika: Yeah I hate most gendered statements in general but definitely the ones that say things like ‘All women are crazy’ or whatever. I have yet to see any statement that is true for, ‘All women are…’ And you make an excellent point — everyone is involved if only because they choose to stay in a situation, that implies at least that amount of participation and likely a lot more.
Great comments, Jess. People deserve to seek happiness, and should not let a miserable now prevent them from a happier future, even if that misery is familiar.