Even as the world tries to batter them down, trans and gender nonconforming young folks are still out here, being themselves. As one mother of a trans teen told me recently, these kids are “choosing authenticity” in the face of ruthless attacks on their personhood.
This article was originally published on Kit’s Patreon.
I recently interviewed two different mothers of transgender teenagers for an Austin Free Press article on “Skrmetti,” the devastating Supreme Court decision which upholds bans on gender-affirming healthcare for minors. With 27 states having some form of ban or restriction on gender-affirming care for minors, it reinforces a profoundly unequal landscape where, in over half the country, vital forms of medicine are simply unavailable to so many.
It breaks my heart that in this, and many other ways, we’ve failed these young generations of trans and queer folks. Just as we were coming into a world where we had the vocabulary, and the social support in place for kids to come out of the closet, the fascists in charge want to shut it down and force them back inside.
And yet, despite it all, they are still here. For all my heart hurts, these young folks inspire me too, because they’re standing up for themselves in ways I could never have dreamed of doing at their age, in the time when I grew up as a closeted enby kid.
I’m grateful to these parents for trusting me with their stories. I’m also grateful for the support of Austin Free Press, for covering these issues and understanding the need for anonymity to protect these families.
As a Patreon bonus, I wanted to share excerpts from the first of my interviews, with the mother of a transgender daughter. Given the intensity of the attacks on trans young folks, I hate the idea of locking this kind of interview behind a paywall, even temporarily. So I’m making this free. But please consider becoming a paying member if you want to support my reporting, so I can keep sharing extras and work that’s independent of any publisher.
This conversation was edited for length and clarity.
Mom 1: I’m a mother of two. We live here in Austin. I have a 10-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter. My 13 year old is transgender, and we’ve been trying to figure out how we can advocate for smaller population groups that need protection without endangering her.
Kit O’Connell: I imagine it’s hard to speak out about this stuff when you’re worried about how vulnerable your own situation might be.
M1: It’s a little bit scary.
KO: Does she have unmet healthcare needs because of the Texas trans healthcare ban?
M1: There are. Texas, like Tennessee, has lumped blockers and hormones into the same category, against medical science, and has banned access for minors. So, in our home state, we’re not able to get medication that would help my daughter feel like herself and exist more comfortably in the world.
KO: I know it’s easier said than done, but have you considered leaving Texas for that?
M1:Yeah, so I’m a lawyer, and it’s a long process, but I have applied to become licensed in Colorado with the idea that we may need to move there in order to meet our family’s needs. It’s actually really sad for me. I grew up in Austin. My family has a whole lot of Texas pride, and I’m disappointed this is the direction that our state government is taking.
KO: I guess it’s fair to say that you wouldn’t be leaving Texas if you weren’t feeling like you’re forced out in order to care for your daughter.
M1: 100% yeah. We don’t have any immediate plans to move but we’re preparing for that as it’s starting to feel inevitable.
KO: So you’re taking steps now in the assumption that the state will continue to become more hostile?
M1: Yeah.
KO: Not to minimize any of this other stuff, but living in Austin, what’s your daughter’s day-to-day like? How much acceptance is there for her as a trans girl?
M1: We don’t experience any overt negativity in our daily lives. She has experienced bullying at school, and she actually attends virtual school now. It’s summer, right now, but she did stop going to in-person school. I don’t know if that was entirely because of her experience as a trans woman, but I think it was related.
But friends that she had before her transition remained friends and learned her new name and pronouns, and I feel like we have a lot of support in our community. So it’s really strange, this being the hub of the government that feels so oppressive when, for the most part, in our daily lives, we feel cared for and accepted.
KO: So you’re having to consider leaving this community and support network behind because of the bigger picture in the state.
M1: Which is really upsetting to all of us, my daughter included.
KO: I guess she has friends she doesn’t want to leave behind?
M1: And family! We’ve talked to family, like, where would you be willing to visit us? As we think about where we might move, how can we keep in contact with you? Because the whole extended family isn’t going to move.
KO: How did it feel to hear about the Supreme Court decision?
M1: I’m sorry to say that it wasn’t surprising, but it was still a shock. I haven’t even gotten through the whole opinion yet, because it was really upsetting to me to see the way that they’re trying to frame this issue. It feels extremely contrived and political. I was impressed with and proud of Justice Sotomayor, and the things that she has spoken out about since the opinion was released. But overall, it just feels like our country is really headed in a direction away from caring about individuals, and it’s still so shocking. I feel like I grew up in a country that was really progressive and supportive of human rights, and we were so proud of everything we had overcome, and we’ve just taken a million giant steps backwards. So yeah, I mean, I don’t totally have the words to say how upsetting it is to read that in a Supreme Court opinion.
KO: Can I ask more about your daughter? She’s 13 now, when did she come out to you?
M1: Let me think about that. She kind of took it slowly, and I think this might have been her own journey of discovery happening at the same time. She first came out as nonbinary when she was in fifth grade, that’s probably around age 10. That year, there was a legislative session going on, and she came to rallies, and she recorded a video that she wanted to share, talking about how kids need protection, even before she was an overt member of the trans population. It was really important to her to advocate. Later, we took the video down out of fear [for her safety]. She came out as trans shortly after that session ended, so within a year of telling us that she was nonbinary.
It’s fascinating to me as a mother. You know, I can’t look at her like a science experiment, right? She’s my daughter. But it’s interesting to me how clearly this isn’t a choice for her. She doesn’t waver. She’s disgusted by the masculine aspects of herself, and it’s really, really hard for her.
I always was really upset by this whole nature versus nurture debate that was going on surrounding the queer population, I think largely gay folks, when I was younger, but seeing and knowing my child like there is no doubt that she is who she is, and she’s just trying to be her real, genuine self in the world. It’s a different kind of connection I have to her, I guess, and it’s helping me understand it even more, even though, like I said, she’s not for me to understand, right? She’s who she is, whether I understand or not.
KO: Opponents of trans rights will talk about it like it’s something that’s impulsive, that they decide overnight. But it sounds like you’re saying this really came from within her, and she’s advocated strongly for herself.
M1: Yeah and to that I would say, who would choose this life of persecution and hostility and direct attacks just because people don’t understand you? She’s choosing authenticity, but she’s not choosing to be the subject of other people’s hate and rage. Anybody who thinks that it’s a choice, they don’t understand what it’s like being your authentic self when you don’t fit in a standard box.
