Welcome to the first installment of my read-along of Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino.
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
Previously, this blog hosted a read-along of The Ethical Slut. As with my first series, roughly each week we’ll take a new section of the book and discuss it here. I’ll talk a little about the contents of the chapter and my thoughts on it, then use that to branch off into a general discussion of related topics in non-monogamous relationships. I urge all my readers to join in — you can read the book along with me, but even if you do not I hope the entries will be interesting enough to comment on with your experiences.
I selected this book for my second read-along because it consistently came up when I discussed The Ethical Slut. I was familiar with it before, but it surprised me how everyone wanted me to talk about it. Many people told me they felt like the Ethical Slut was a classic introduction to the field, and the first book on the topic many read, Opening Up by contrast has more details on how to make it work. This is my first reading of the book.
The author is Tristan Taormino, a noted sex educator. She first came to the attention of many (including myself) through her 1997 book The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. Just as many people had their first exposure to non-monogamy through the Ethical Slut, I think its true to say that in the 15 years since it was first published, it’s helped many people of all genders have learned not only how to have safe anal sex but how to have anal sex which is pleasurable for everyone involved. Since then she has distinguished herself as a writer, editor, and feminist pornographer. That last profession landed her on my Top Sex Stories of 2011, when Oregon State University uninvited her from giving a keynote address at their sex conference, under the specious rationale that a porn director and actor could not also be a sex educator.
Published in 2008, Opening Up has had just 4 years to become so respected in the field. Taormino based the book on over a decade of research, including many intensive interviews as well as her personal experiences. Her goal was to cut through the façade which surrounds many discussions of non-monogamous relationships. Proponents often try to paint an artificially rosy picture of how easy it is, or make problems sound unrealistically simple to solve.
In keeping with the goals of this book, throughout this read-along I will try to be as honest as possible without spreading any dirt. I will share my successes and failures, the joys and pains of my polyamorous lifestyle. You can find some general background on my experiences with non-monogamy in the background entry from the last read-along. In brief, I have many years of experience with polyamory. I am now in an open relationship with two women, Pet & Honey. Pet and I are entering our third year together, whereas Honey & I celebrated our first anniversary this past Christmas. Though they are friendly and care deeply for each other, they do not date. All of us are free to see other people as long as we maintain open communication and practice safer sex. Both live here in Austin, with Honey currently living with me on a temporary basis. I have a few other more geographically distant or infrequent intimate connections. Honey sees other people, but Pet has remained emotionally though not always sexually monogamous during our relationship.
“It is more common that people are monogamous not by choice but by default; they believe monogamy is what everyone else is doing, what is expected and how relationships are supposed to be.” -from the introduction to Opening Up
In addition to talking about her background and the creation of the book, the introduction to Opening Up takes a look at the state of relationships in our culture today. Most of us grow up believing that lifelong monogamous marriage is not only the current default, but always has been for everyone. Puncturing this myth is one of the main aims of Sex At Dawn, but the opening of this book also looks at the topic in brief. The “nuclear marriage” that conservatives still love to celebrate actually enjoyed only a moment of popularity, propped up by the conservative post-war culture of 1950s America. Countless events (the Stonewall riots), technological developments (birth control), and cultural changes have shown that there is no normal relationship and a lifetime of emotional & sexual monogamy is a rarity and not always a worthwhile or realistic goal.
Polyamory represents one among many forms of non-monogamous relationship. Poly Banner at Vancouver Pride Parade, 2011. Photo by Robert Ashworth.
All relationship styles practiced by humans attempt to answer some basic questions, like ‘how do I create stability and security for myself and my partner(s) in the face of our natural interest in more than one person?’ Traditional Western monogamy attempts to approach this one way, by absolutely forbidding outside liaisons with others while creating what Taormino calls the “shadow institution” of adultery and cheating. It is not the only way.
It’s been a little strange writing this today, since the US news is plastered with reports that Republican Presidential Candidate Newt Gingrich asked a former wife to open their relationship so he could keep a mistress. Non-monogamy isn’t a band-aid to fix a broken relationship, or something to enter by holding an ultimatum over another person’s head. It can be a responsible, ethical relationship style that just happens to be different from the one depicted in most media, and taught to most of us since birth.
Pet commented today how the mainstream media likes to show a certain kind of person when they profile open relationships — long-haired, hippie Renaissance Faire attendees. While I’ve known, loved, and made love to many such people, they don’t accurately depict the diverse people from all backgrounds who choose to look for personal happiness outside of serial monogamy.
Opening Up attempts to cover a wide gamut of relationship styles, from polyamory of many kinds, to swinging, to pairings where one person is monogamous and the other poly. It has chapters devoted to major issues which confront us as we explore these new relationship styles, and profiles of how others have shaped their relationships. Remember as we go through this book that, quoting the author, “there is no formula for an open relationship.” There is not even one definition of polyamory. Instead, approach your relationships as you would a toolbox — choose from what works for you and your lovers, without worrying about what you perceive as normal.
On January 26, 2012 we will return to this read-along with a discussion of Chapter 1, “Pilots, Parties, and Polyamory: A Brief History” which looks at a history of non-monogamy since the 1950s. Until then, introduce yourself here — talk about why you’re interested in this read-along, and share a bit of your background with relationships and non-monogamy. This site welcomes all comments, even anonymous ones.
Comments (17)
This will be my second time through this book. I love that any relationship can be worked from the ground up, there is no RIGHT, only what works for me and my dear ones.
I first glimpsed the idea of polyamory from The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, and then from Robert Heinlein’s other works. The man I was married to at that time just blew off the notion as Heinlein’s crazy ideas that wouldn’t work in today’s society. About eighteen months after I left him, I realized that monogamy was not going to work out for me. So, here I am, a year later, in love with my new life and learning more about myself than ever before. I am very much looking forward to this discussion.
@Luna: Thank you so much for joining in & introducing yourself.
A lot of people of course discover poly ideas via Heinlein. I too had a similar experience (discussed in my background to the Ethical Slut Read-along) of first discovering non-monogamy through a fictional medium. It’s such an important step to apply that to reality.
I look forward to your input!
Hello everyone! I’ve had my copy of this book for awhile, dipped into it, but never quite finished it. I’m viewing this as an opportunity to brush up and review, as this is not terribly new for me. I am very much looking forward to this read-along.
I came to be interested in non-monogamy when I came upon a threesome that had relationship-forming potential and none of us knew what to call it. The threesome never went anywhere really, but the mindset opened doors for me, and the next time I came across non-monogamy in a serious context (in the form of an open marriage) I took pains to educate myself very thoroughly on the subject. I started identifying as polyamorous about three and a half years ago, but have looked back at my past and I think I could honestly apply the label as far back as about five years, give or take a year or so.
Hello, I got opening up for a Christmas gift recently but have not started reading it yet. I have read The Ethical Slut and bits and pieces of Sex at Dawn.
I have always not been a jealous person. In high school, I helped run a Gay strait alliance club. I remember arguing for gay marriage and saying no one should be able to tell anyone else how to live their life, even if I want to marry more than one person, I should be able to do that. I am proud of my high school self for think that.
I recently got out of a relationship of six years. Pinyl and I started our non-monogamous journey about four years ago when we started having more fluid boundaries, making out with other people and such. We had a few threesomes, after awhile we talked and both of us wanted to have more of a relationship with the girls that we were sleeping with. About two years ago, I went on the Internet and found the word polyamorous. At first I was only looking for girls but about six months after identify as polyamorous Pinyl told me he was conformable with me dating men as well. I have dated people on and off nothing very serious. Pinyl dated a girl for awhile, then both of us started seeing her, that ended badly. About 3 months ago Pinyl stated dating S again. A month ago I told Pinyl I wanted to take a break(we have been having problems for awhile now) and he told me he wanted to breakup. Now Pinyl and S are dating monogamously and I am continuing my poly journey.
Im soo excited and happy you are doing this read-a-long! I look forward to learning from EVERYONE. I have been on the Poly journey so to speak for about 6 years with my hubby. We started this after his multiple “affairs”. We tried “swinging” but quickly realized that was NOT for us. We have had our UPS & Downs along the way but are both in this with the attitude that it is something we both believe in and want in our lives.
Really looking forward in learning more about the Poly subject and doing it together with my wife Kit. I feel I have a lot to learn to better myself and relationship with my lovely wife.
Couldn’t have come across this at a better time. The King and I have just started opening up and discussing this over the past six to nine months and by the sounds of it are quite close to exploring this further.
But I really, REALLY, don’t want to screw this up. I want to be educated on the subject and learn to anticipate what we are getting ourselves into here! It is going to be an interesting journey but due to the substantial implications of social disapproval – a likely lonely journey. I am glad there appears to be a safe community where one can discuss and explore their feelings and questions about all of this.
Will be picking up the book tomorrow!
Thank you for taking a look at this book also. I’m re-reading it now that Scott (my new boyfriend) and I are in a new relationship. He has another girlfriend and I have a girlfriend and a couple of other boyfriends. It’s really complicated but we are working through it.
Thanks everyone for your comments! I’m excited by how many diverse people seem interested in taking part in this read-along. It’s clear that non-monogamy encompasses so many different people, who are drawn to alternative relationship practices for so many different reasons and exposed to it in so many different ways.
It seems like a lot of different paths lead us to explore it, but for many of us that first introduction of the idea that there might be another way to build relationships lodges in our minds and then won’t go away until we begin to explore it for ourselves!
I think it’s great that I have both friends and strangers involved too. We’ll be continuing this tomorrow. stay tuned!
My partner and I read Opening Up almost four years ago, when I had just entered into my first poly relationship with him. I think reading it together again will be a good way to revisit many of the subjects discussed, now that I have a much different perspective.
Ok, sure – sounds like fun! I am Turtle’s partner, and have been poly on and off for roughly 25 years; eventually I bought the clue that I was never happy when I was in a monogamous relationship, no matter how much I loved my SO – and swore off the stuff for good.
Sharing Turtle’s recent journey has been a privilege, and I think we will both get a lot out of other people’s perspectives on _Opening Up_! We have been at this for four years and are still constantly discovering how to be better partners: moar perspectives, plz!
Welcome aboard Cactus & Turtle. More perspectives are always welcome here. I’m excited about all the opinions, stories and histories we have to share.
I’m really looking forward to the read-along as well. I’ve read most of this book – have gotten stuck on the last two chapters, as they have less revelence to my life.
I’m effectively new to Poly – tried it 10 years ago with two fellows and it didn’t work, and went effectively monogamous with my current partner for a decade afterwards. We just recently opened up, and it seems to be going very well so far. :)
Hello to all. I am Pet, the monogamish partner of Kit. He has been my main introduction to the poly world, although I had heard of and contemplated the relationship style long before we had met. I’m still trying to figure out how it all works for me, so I am excited to read Opening Up, and discuss it with all of you.
@Pet: It’s good to have you in the read-along, Pet :)
@ragnarr: Welcome aboard!
I hope you don’t mind my joining in a bit late! My husband and I are just beginning to talk about potentially opening our marriage, so this is quite timely for us. We are both poly virgins but it has been on my mind for a while.
@Eve: You’re welcome anytime. I’m posting the second chapter today but both chapters are pretty short ones so please do join us!