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A Message to OKCupid Homophobes

Posted in OKCupid, and Sex & Relationships

Lately on this blog I’ve been writing about OKCupid, and it’s inspired me to respond to a little problem in this dating site’s userbase. About once a day, OKCupid‘s mindless algorithms will deliver three new people to my Quiver — people with whom the site thinks I have something in common. But at least one in almost every set will answer a question like this:

For those who don’t know the site, OKCupid matches people based on the questions they answer. The above means that this woman (who identifies as ‘straight’) has had a homosexual experience and enjoyed it, but she objects to me (or any man) answering the question in the same way. Perhaps even worse is this woman:

This woman is eager to have sex with a girl, but her ideal lover better not have the same curiosity! While I’ve not bothered to obscure the identity of either one, neither is an aberration. Between my research and my normal use of OKCupid, I’ve seen dozens of women just like these in the Austin area alone. I address the following open letter to these women.

Dear OKCupid Homophobe:

If you think this is gross, consider where your prejudices originate. Photo by William Hamon.

You’re probably taking offense to the title of this letter already. I bet most of you — the ones who match me well enough to end up in my Quiver — are nice liberal women who would never think of infringing on the rights of gays. You’re in favor of gay marriage and maybe even happy little queer couples raising happy little queer babies. So what’s your problem?

I know that female bisexuality is hip and acceptable now. It’s fun to get drunk and kiss your girlfriends, and if you haven’t actually had a two-girl threesome you’ve probably fantasized about one by yourself or with a boyfriend. Unfortunately, male bisexuality is not nearly so fashionable. Maybe you think girls kissing is wonderful but boys kissing is somehow “gross.” Perhaps you imagine we’re just waiting to leave you for a gay man, that we’ll inevitably cheat on you, or you think we don’t exist at all.

In this letter, I’m asking you to reconsider your views.

It’s true that some bisexuals cheat or have multiple partners, but so do very many straight people — both dishonest cheating and honest open relationships can be found in people of all orientations. While some bisexual men want to have both men and women in their lives, others can happily become monogamous with either gender. Could a bisexual man leave you for a man? Yes, but he could also leave you for a woman. What difference would it make?

Is it gross? Take a moment to think about things which were once considered gross and are now acceptable — like interracial marriage, or alcohol-fueled girl-girl makeouts. “Gross” is largely based on cultural prejudices that change from time to time and place to place. Are you comfortable accepting this without question?

Do we exist? We’re not faking it, we’re not pretending. I’ve dated men and women. I haven’t met a set of genitalia I didn’t think was beautiful. I’m open to meaningful relationships with people of all genders. When I’m dating you, I want to be with you — I’m not just biding time till a hot man comes along. While some teens may identify as bisexual while transitioning into identifying as gay, by the time we’re grown up we’ve had ample time to come out of the closet. These days, even science says we exist.

Why would you want to experience something pleasurable yourself and then deny it to someone you love? Whether or not we choose to commit to a relationship with you — or any woman — we have the same right to explore, to play, and to fantasize as you. Besides, if you fantasize about having two guys at once like so many women, we’re much less likely to get weird about having another dick in the room than your average straight guy.

If someone sent you this post, it’s because they probably enjoyed your profile up until they saw your answers to key questions. It’s time to rethink those questions. Unless of course you have no problem with homophobia.


Kit O’Connell

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