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Tag: Relationships

Why You Should Meet Your Partner’s Lovers

Posted in Polyamory, Sex & Relationships, and The Establishment

Two months ago, my lovers met over tacos.

The holidays were coming up, and it seemed like a little familiarity would help us all negotiate those emotionally-charged times more easily. Also, one lover felt a little jealous when she saw me with the other in selfies on social media.

I was confident they’d get along. Besides the obvious, they have several things in common: They both love cats, feminism, and, of course, Tex-Mex food. This would give us at least three topics to talk about, even if things got awkward.

The Ethical Slut Read-along: Conclusion, Imagining A Slut Utopia

Posted in Polyamory, Sex & Relationships, and The Ethical Slut Read Along

I began my read-along of The Ethical Slut about ten months ago now at the behest of several of my readers including my friend, coauthor, and guest blogger Kiki Christie. The format has changed over the course of the series — I realized that more people would participate if I emphasize that this is a conversation about poly topics inspired by a book, instead of expecting others to keep up in the book. I’ve really enjoyed exploring my own feelings about polyamory and non-monogamy through the lens of this classic of the field. A lot of readers have left great comments, and the series has also spawned some insightful guest posts.

Poly Language

Posted in Polyamory, and Sex & Relationships

One of the struggles we have in polyamory is the lack of terms to clearly describe the roles we play in our non-traditional relationships; of course it doesn’t help that these take infinite forms. Just like any subculture, we coin our own terminology. Polys talk about compersion, which is feeling happiness for our lover’s success with other people — the opposite of jealousy, in a sense. For a while, I was another man’s punalua, which is an old Hawaiian word he’d found which meant roughly, “beloved other lover of my lover.” However, whatever terms we coin for ourselves exist only within our community or the individual relationship; we cannot expect familiarity from anyone else, nor can we fault them for using the words which are available.

The Ethical Slut Read-along: Jealousy (Part 2)

Posted in Polyamory, and The Ethical Slut Read Along

There seems to be a great deal of variation in how much jealousy a person feels — for some it’s an ugly, painful struggle but for others it is something rarely felt if at all.

One recurring trigger for jealousy that came up many times in discussion is when a lover feels “out of the loop” — that is they don’t feel like their other lover(s) have communicated openly about their feelings, activities, or intentions involving a third-party. Sometimes it occurs when a person or event reminds one of a past loss, or suggests an impending breakup or problem. Jealousy might be caused by feeling neglected or abandoned.

The Ethical Slut Read-Along: Chapter 8, More Slut Skills

Posted in Polyamory, Sex & Relationships, and The Ethical Slut Read Along

Welcome back to our discussion of ten essential slut skills outlined in Chapter 8 of The Ethical Slut. In the last installment we examined the skills of communication, emotional honesty, telling the truth, knowing yourself and affection. Today we’re going to continue with the remaining five skills, one by one.

Planning: I like my life to have a fair amount of spontaneity in it. I don’t want to schedule every minute of my time or have an extremely rigid rotation of partners (a la Big Love for a non-poly example). At the same time, I’ve recognized the necessity for planning. It’s easy to drop in on my lover Honey J, who lives here in Austin (and in fact is in the process of moving into easy cycling distance from my house), so while we do try to get together on a regular basis there can be a lot of flexibility. Compare that with my pet, who lives in Houston for the moment. I make sure to record her days off in my calendar and we try to plan in advance so we can make it to play parties or other events we might enjoy. Even with my local lovers there are many situations where it makes sense to keep track.

Easton & Hardy talk about poly groups that use “complex online calendars” to share their schedules, and I think they are partly right — online calendars are great. However, I think a solution like Google Calendar is anything but difficult to use to keep track of my appointments, dates, and lots of work related scheduling. It’s a piece of cake to share my calendar with my friends or loved ones, and it plays nice with Androids and most other smartphones as well as Facebook’s events calendar. Here in Austin there’s even a calendar of kink events you can add.