Note: I’ve been reading The Establishment since they launched, and love their attitude and the important writing they publish, so I’m thrilled to share my first publication there today. It’s also my long overdue return to writing about polyamory. Enjoy!
Two months ago, my lovers met over tacos.
The holidays were coming up, and it seemed like a little familiarity would help us all negotiate those emotionally-charged times more easily. Also, one lover felt a little jealous when she saw me with the other in selfies on social media.
I was confident they’d get along. Besides the obvious, they have several things in common: They both love cats, feminism, and, of course, Tex-Mex food. This would give us at least three topics to talk about, even if things got awkward.
If you’re new to the idea of ethical and open non-monogamous relationships (which are sometimes grouped under the heading of “polyamory”), the idea of two people you’re having sex with meeting may seem strange or even foolhardy. It’s the stuff of easy drama for fiction writers: When a monogamous character’s partner meets their secret other lover, it provokes shouting, slammed doors, and even physical violence. It’s to be avoided at all costs.
But this is, as with many things, a myth not rooted in reality. While I got a certain thrill out of watching Cookie Lyon wrestle Anika Calhoun on Empire, that’s the opposite of what I want for my own life. And for the polyamorous, connecting with our “metamours”—a neologism meaning our sexual or intimate partners’ other partners—can be rewarding.
It can even, in some cases, create new friendships.